The Gift of Life, part 1

I'm not going to lie. In the past I have struggled with depression, post pardum depression. After the birth of my 1st son, everything was great! Until he was about 5 months old and I started to realize the impact of having a child. I no longer had time to myself, I no longer could come and go as I pleased. I had a new life to be responsible for. Not only that, I was up in the nights, he stayed up late into the evenings, stinky diapers were constant, etc. Not to mention the fact that I had no idea what I was doing! I was exhausted.


And my body had changed. I now had red, ugly stretch marks, and I had kept on about 10 pounds. (Which ended up being a blessing since I was underweight before getting pregnant.) My eyes were so focused on myself and how I was affected, rather than on the new life God had given me and the blessing he was.


I soon slipped into the darkest place I have ever been. I didn't want to cook dinner, I didn't want to play with the baby, I didn't even want to kiss my husband. And forget about getting out of the house. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. What a selfish place to be! I'm ashamed I ever let myself get to that point of selfishness, and yet, that's where I was.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I have very fond memories of Isaac when he was an infant. His first bath, smiles, and giggles. I was thrilled when he accomplished new things. But I soon began to slip into the self pity and it took about a year to get out of it. I finally had to force myself to start thinking about others. To lay aside my wants, wishes, and plans. And when I started focusing on others, the joy started to come back.

And more importantly, I had to get right with God. How many times in His Word does He tell us to think of others? We are to love, to help, to be kind, to serve! The list of "one anothers" is long and I was failing miserably. Praise God He allowed me to see that and I started the long, painful journey back to where He wanted me to be.

I'm thankful for my time of depression because it helps me to see it's a very real thing. It helps me to be more compassionate when others tell me they are experiencing it. In my case, depression was brought on by selfishness, a place I never want to be again. It was dark, lonely, and I hated the person I was. But, I learned so much through it! God is indeed faithful and He allows circumstances for a reason.

I'm hoping by posting this, someone will be encouraged. This was a lonely, embarrassing time in my life and it's hard to be so honest about it. But, I do believe we need to share our experiences, and I know others struggle with issues like this. And so, I am laying it all out there, and will be posting part 2 tomorrow.