The Gift of Life, Part 2

So yesterday I talked about my post pardum depression. And you would think that experience would be the end. Well, today I want to continue on telling you some of my experiences. After Chloe and Jeremy were both born, I again turned my eyes toward myself and as a result suffered panic attacks. Simple questions I would ask myself would send me into uncontrollable sobs and gasping for breath. I would ask myself, "What if I don't get any sleep tonight?" "What if the baby cries all the time?" "I have other children to care for, how can I take care of EVERYONE?" I would have a question pass through my mind and soon my heart was racing, I would sob, shake, and gasp for air.

God would be gracious to me in those moments and send precious promises to me. They would break through the craziness and calm my racing heart. Promises like, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." "My mercies are new every morning." "I will never give you too much to bear." I had 2 or 3 panic attacks with each Chloe and Jeremy, but praise God! I never went through the depression again. I was determined to re-focus on God, my husband, and my children. I knew the results of spending time feeling sorry for myself.

And I refused to stay at home, even when I didn't want to go out. I would force myself to get out and to get involved in helping others, instead of staying home getting all worked up about what I can't do as a result of having kids. What a silly way to think! Who says you can't go to a ladies Bible study because you have a child? Why would I stay home when I can get out with other mom's going through the exact same feelings I was having? I would just take the kids with me!

Now, there is something to say about hormones and lack of sleep contributing to depression and panic attacks. I don't want to say these issues were all brought on by my sinful nature, but lets face it, if I had been in better control of myself, things would have gone a lot smoother for me. I could also use the excuse of how young and inexperienced I was. But, I know women younger than me who have handled the same situations better. I'm thankful that God lets us experience these things, learn from them, and do better in the future. He's so gracious and patient with me!

I've entitled these posts The Gift of Life. I haven't spent a whole lot of time talking about what a gift children are. They truely are a blessing and I am so happy God has allowed me to be a mother to Isaac, Chloe, Jeremy, and now a new little girl. Even after my rough start, God entrusted me with more. You see, the depressions and panic attacks were temporary. Joy always came in the 'morning'. I can't imagine my life without my children. I love homeschooling, hanging out with them, watching them grow and change. I can't believe Isaac is almost 8 now and joining Karate! Chloe is 5 and reading! Jeremy is 2 and will start potty training soon! Where does the time go??

And for the record, I felt the best after Jeremy was born, very happy and relaxed. (After that first night of 2 panic attacks) The Dr. did perscribe something that would help my hormones gradually reduce and even out my emotions. What a difference those made, I was only on it for 2 weeks, but it was wonderful. I never knew I could be so happy after the birth of a child. And it just continued on, even when I gradually went off the perscriptions. I'm hoping I won't need the meds this time, but won't be afraid to ask for them if I feel myself headed that way. But, there is a major reason I feel I won't need them, and I'll talk about that tomorrow for my last post in this series.