April 1st, 2010 is a day that changed my life forever, and it was no April Fool's Day joke. This isn't the place to go into all the details of that day, but lets just say I woke up knowing I was losing the baby.Greg and I hadn't told anyone yet that we were pregnant, and we made it all the way to 8 weeks without spilling the beans. We had been planning to tell the family that weekend when Greg's sisters were home from college. Easter Sunday.
But on April 1st, I found myself in the dr's office looking at an empty ultrasound screen. My Dr. told me he didn't see a baby inside my uterus, but this was an ectopic pregnancy and if we didn't operate right away I could experience hemmorraging and possibly die. Being the pro-lifer that I am, I made sure there was no baby heart beat before I would allow the surgery. They also found a cyst the size of a tennis ball that would need to be removed.
The worst part of this was that I was alone. Since we hadn't told anyone I was PG yet, I had called Greg to see if he could take the kids to the park. I was expecting the Dr. to tell me to go home and get some rest and the baby would pass naturally. I just wanted to go home, but that wasn't going to happen for a few hours. As soon as we heard I needed surgery, we called family and made other arrangements for the kids. Greg met me at the hospital and I was wheeled into surgery around 1pm.
I cannot explain the peace that came over me as I was laying on that bed being moved to the OR. I even thought it was funny how I felt I was on a show like ER, laying on that hospital bed, watching the lights above slowly pass me by. As soon as I was in the OR, they began prepping me and gave me the best stuff ever. It knocked me out before I was ready to say goodbye to the kind attendants. And when I woke up, I felt like I had just had the best rest ever, but wanted to go back to sleep for a few more hours.
The real healing was soon to begin. I was told the physical would heal faster than the emotional and that sure did turn out to be true. But, I won't dwell on the sadness, but rather dwell on how awesome God is. I felt His presence with me the whole time. He never left my side, I was constantly feeling comforted. He allowed me to feel sad, he allowed the tears to flow. He allowed me to grieve, but His presence was constant. His arms were always around me, sustaining me. I totally leaned on Him during that time and it was sweet. He was sweet.
His promises are true! It's not always easy to memorize His Words, to hide them in your heart. But, when I needed to draw on those promises, they were there. I felt He was speaking directly to my heart and I rejoiced in that. I was even able to share with others about God's greatness, complete strangers even, that God had brought me through that time in such a loving way.
I still miss my baby, I named her Jenny. I felt that she was a girl right from the start. My due date would have been the 18th of this month. But, I am big and PG again with a new little girl, due Feb. 2nd. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
And so, the past 2 posts have been about my dealing with depression and panic attacks after the births of my children. I said at the end of my post yesterday that I had a major reason for believing I wouldn't be dealing with those issues this time. It's because I now have a better understanding of the preciousness of life. I won't spend months before the baby is born anxiously wondering how I can ever do it. I won't panic over the stacks of laundry, the lack of routine, or endless diapers and spit up. Rather, I will squeeze her a little longer in the evenings, rock her longer in the nights, I will kiss her a little more before putting her to bed. I will cherish each moment, treasuring my gift from God.
I don't know why God allows miscarriage, but I do know it's caused me to look at things a little differently. And caused me to take my focus off myself and place it where it belongs. Thank you God for my Gift of Life. I can't wait to meet her!
I realize I'm not the only one to go through this experience and my healing process was helped along by others sharing their stories. I know I'm not unique in the things I have learned, but I do hope and pray that God will use my sharing this in some small way. Thank you for reading.
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